Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Why Don't I Connect With Nice, Warm People Who Want To Spend Time With Me?


As I alluded to in my How Taylor Swift's "If You're Anything Like Me" reputation Poem Helped Me Heal post, I was recently betrayed by some of my friends. Well, not "recently" exactly - we are nearing the one year anniversary of the betrayal in a few days. It does definitely sting less and I have healed in these last 12 months. The betrayal was traumatic and horrific. I won't describe it in detail but it was VERY similar to Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. Basically, my very own Cassius conspired behind my back to turn my friends against me - including my best friend (Et tu Brutus?). And then they all ganged up and attacked me, leaving me in a pool of blood with a knife searing through my back. My very own Ides of March if you will (more like the Ides of December). I didn't die tho so that's a positive.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update on something I wrote about in the About Me page of this website.

In my About Me, I talk about the inspiration for the name of this blog - Me, Myself, and the Moon. I wrote:
A reoccurring thing that I feel is extreme loneliness when I spend time with people I don't feel like I have a connection with - and I feel bad because why don't I connect with nice warm people who want to spend time with me? There were a couple of times when I left a party or a person's house and let that loneliness wash over me. And the first thing I saw was the moon burning brightly in the night's sky. And in that moment my loneliness seemed just as natural as the moon.
With this betrayal, I have received my answer to the above, bolded question. To an outsider, my social life Pre-December 2016, would look super cool and fun. What they wouldn't know is that I would feel hella lonely most of the time I hung out with my friends. It was the idea of "Feeling Lonely In A Crowded Room." I have low self-esteem so I immediately thought something was wrong with me - I was too lame and weird to fit in with them. But now I know that is not true.

I was wrong when I called my friends "nice" and "warm." There was a reason why I never connected with them and that reason was that they never really cared about me. Maybe if they did, they would have tried harder to get to know me and vibe with me. I now know they just weren't the right people for me. For one thing, the right people would have never have treated me so horribly.

One year has passed since the betrayal and I am in a good place. After the betrayal, I realized my friendship count had been cut in half. But six months later, I found new friends who I have a great time with. I went to a Halloween Party hosted by one of my new friends, and I had a BLAST. What a change from what I described above! It's because this new friend and I have much more in common. She allows me to be myself without judgement. I also appreciate the few old friends who listened to my sadness and stood by me when the betrayal happened.. I have a lot of gratitude for "the real ones."

I wanted to give some advice to anyone who is in a similar position as me.


Evaluate The Quality of Your Friends:

My low self-esteem and confidence caused me to accept anyone as my friend. I was like a desperate beggar because I thought I was lame and weird and why would anyone want to hang out with me? 

I think if someone wants to be your friend, you should appreciate it and give them a chance. However, if after the n-th time you hang out with them and you feel a) they aren't treating you right or 2) you don't have a good time with them, it's okay to decline invites. It's okay to say, "well, we gave it a shot but I don't think we are friend material." You don't have to say it to their face; you can just decline invites and distance yourself.  You are doing a favor, not just for yourself, but for the other person as well. The other person deserves to hang out with people who really enjoy spending time with them. 

A mistake I made, that led to the betrayal, is that I didn't evaluate. I never asked myself: Do I trust these people? Oh God, if I had asked myself that question, I would have never given them the power to hurt me. You need to ask yourself: would these people have my back if I needed them? If the answer is no - keep them casual friends and don't invite them into your circle of trust.


If You Don't Like Your Friends, Get New Friends:

One of the mantras of my life is: IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. 

This is so important. Sometimes we are so scared of being alone, we accept anyone into our lives. But I promise you, if you leave your toxic friends or your toxic boyfriend, you will be okay. You have everything within yourself to be okay. It's okay to be alone.

And you will find your people, eventually. You will find kind people you connect with and have a fun time with. It might take some time but it will happen. You gotta have hope.


Not Everyone Is Going To Like You And That's Okay:

I am a people pleaser. I wanted EVERYONE to like me. But not everyone is going to like you and that is okay. You are still a worthy human being.

I used to validate my self worth based on everyone liking me. Now I know I have to embrace people not liking me, and just move on. 

I'm a weird person. I am not a typical American 20-something. So I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone who liked me so I clung to anyone who gave me attention. I also hid who I was.  I was scared of being myself, speaking my mind, and sharing my interests. This led me to become friends with people who I didn't have much in common with. That's why I felt so off when I hung out with them. 

But now I am ready to embrace my weirdness. A LOT of people won't like me because of my weirdness. I just need to find the people who do. I will never be the popular, cool girl because weird people just don't connect with the masses. We connect with our own special niche and that's beautiful.

And now when I look at the moon, I don't feel so lonely anymore.


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